Is there any place for shame in Restorative Justice?

Published: Wednesday, January 22nd, 2025


This is a blog by Angie Kaye, a Senior Restorative Justice Facilitator for prisons in the Thames Valley area for 12 years. The names given in this blog have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. 

 

Shame has hit the headlines recently in the case of Gisele Pelicot, drugged by her husband and then raped by over 50 men over the course of many years. She waived her right to anonymity – an unusual event in cases of sexual harm – and has become a worldwide heroine. Gisele said: “When you’re raped, there is shame, and it’s not for us to have shame, it’s for them.”

Let’s be clear: victims of crime can feel shame as well as the harmers, as for example in cases of domestic violence, or with young men who have been assaulted. 

Shame or Guilt?

I often mix up the words ‘shame’ and ‘guilt,’ or use them interchangeably. Yet they are subtly and significantly different. Shame is an emotion that can affect our whole identity, making us feel flawed and inferior. Guilt relates to something we did, but doesn’t make us fundamentally a bad person.

Historically and to this day, shame has been used to control people, and as a form of punishment. Stocks and pillories were used to publicly punish and humiliate offenders, while in the Netherlands an adulteress was forced to sit in a ‘Chair of Shame.’ The crucifixion of Christ, naked and tortured on the cross, was intended as an act of public humiliation.

However, research tells us that the experience of shame, as opposed to feelings of guilt by an offender, is likely to have negative effects: a harmful self-image, and greater likelihood of re-offending.

How then can something that seems as negative as shame have a place in Restorative Justice?

Joan was 32 when she was killed by her partner Kevin, after years of abuse. Her elderly parents, Sheila and Geoff, met with me and agreed to a Restorative Justice meeting with Kevin, who was halfway through serving a life sentence for murder. I’d had several preparatory visits with Kevin, but on the day of the restorative meeting in prison, he was terrified to leave his cell and face Joan’s parents. He’d known them well for many years, and was deeply ashamed of what he had done, through his inability to control his anger. 

“I couldn’t take back what I’d done. I’m broken.” Eventually they did meet. It was a difficult and tearful meeting for all; Joan’s mother came in clutching a framed photograph of her daughter, which she placed in the centre of the room. As the facilitator, I was concerned that Kevin’s shame and remorse would overwhelm him, preventing him from continuing.

Sheila spoke about her grief and a decade of trauma that she was still feeling. After several hours she and Geoff accepted Kevin’s remorse and explanation. At the end of the restorative meeting they agreed to be in contact via letters through the prison. They wanted to be back in touch with him, and know how he was doing.

During the tea and biscuits at the end of the restorative conference, they shared stories about Joan, laughing and crying together.

When I look back at this case, I see it as a positive use of shame in the restorative process. Academics have a name for this: ‘Reintegrative Shaming.’

Types of Shame

“Crime, Shame and Reintegration” is the title of a Cambridge University Press book by Australian criminologist David Braithwaite. He writes: “The crucial distinction is between shaming that is reintegrative and shaming that is disintegrative (stigmatization).”

While I agree with Braithwaite’s ideas, I find these labels difficult to get my head round. I prefer to think of ‘rebuilding’ or ‘restoring’ from a position of shame, as opposed to leaving the person with the sense that they are inherently flawed or bad, incapable of changing their lot. 

Violent crime often stems from a deep feeling of shame. Indeed, prison psychologist Gilligan observes: “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed, humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed.”

Some in the Restorative Justice world believe shame has no place in a restorative process. But we ignore it at our peril: it’s there in the room, whether we like it or not. The challenge for a skilled facilitator is to be brave in managing and working with this difficult dynamic. 

If you have any thoughts on this topic, we would love to hear them, so please reach out via info@why-me.org.

 

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